Second Thoughts
P
My girlfriend and I have been
together since she was fifteen and I was sixteen. We got engaged
and moved in together on her 21st birthday but decided to wait a
few years until I had finished university and we both had secure
jobs, before we'd actually get married.
Everything was fine. We started to make plans for the big day. Lists
and more lists. Who to invite and who not to invite.
It all seemed so exciting at first.
I don't
know when things suddenly changed. But I woke up one day and I juat
knew that although I still loved her, I wasn't 'in love'
with her any more.
She's still making plans, because I haven't got the nerve to tell
her. I don't want to hurt her and I know that stopping the wedding
or even postponing it will crush her.
Perhaps I will wake up one day and decide that I am in love with
her after all. What should I do?
S
I know that many people have had the same doubts that you are experiencing.
Some have kept silent and gone ahead with the marriage and then
regretted it. A few have had the courage to speak up, before the
vows were said, and been surprised to find that their partner was
either aware of their doubts or shared the same doubts. No matter
what you do, it seems that there will always be pain.
You can't manufacture emotional love, it is either there or it isn't.
If you are sure that you are no longer in-love with this girl, it
would be wrong, not only for you, but for her as well, to make a
commitment that you know in your heart that you will never be able
to keep. Unfortunately, the path of silence will, in this case,
lead to heart-break for both of you. So, I'm afraid you are going
to have to sum up the courage, and say the words that will be as
painful to hear as they are to say.
Will I be a able to...on my wedding night?
P
I know that today it's unusual for a girl to still be a virgin on their wedding night, but I will be.
My fiance has had a lot of experience with the women he knew before me and I was surprised that he didn't dump me when I said that I wasn't going to sleep with him until we were married. He's a beautiful man and I know that he could have had any woman he wanted.
The problem is, the real reason that I wouldn't let him make love to me, is that I am scared to death of the whole idea of sex.
What if I freeze, when he tries to touch me on our wedding night? What if I can't stand to have him touch me where he wants to? What if he decides that he can't stay married to me without being able to have sex? Should I tell him about my fears before we marry or should I just go ahead and hope that everything will be alright?S
You are right to say that in our western society, that it is unusual for a bride to be a virgin on her wedding night. But in other societies where promiscuity and an attitude of uninhibited sexual enjoyment is not the norm, virgin brides are prone to the same stresses and fears that you are.The question is, are your fears the normal ones that would trouble anyone who has never experienced the physical side of sexual love, or are you fears based on some early, negative experience. Often a persons view of sex can be tainted by things they either see, hear or experience in early life. Has someone else's negative views about sex been driven into you? Were you singled out for unwelcome, inappropriate attention?
Just hoping that everything will turn out O. K. on the night, is perhaps courting disaster. But worrying about it too much can also increase the likelihood that your wedding night will not be a success.
It is important that you find someone with whom you can discuss your fears and perhaps explore the reason behind those fears. Who do you most trust to her you out and then give you sensible and helpful advice?
If your fiance is a sensitive, gentle, experienced lover, who has not tried to pressurize you into making love before the wedding, then perhaps he might be the person in whom you can confide.
It could be that the road to a cure consists of taking small, gentle loving steps, stopping whenever you start to feel uncomfortable, but taking it a little further every time.
If that doesn't work, then it is a good idea to seek advice from a professional- a doctor or a sex therapist, who will try to find the reason for your fears and suggest ways to overcome them.