FOR THE MEN
John was at the pub a little the worse for one too many pints. "Nobody introduced me to my wife, Vicky," he slurred. "We just happened to meet. I'm not blaming anyone."
------------
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?
And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
--------------
"Steve, why do you always go to the pub whenever I start to practice my singing?" asked Janet, the star of the local operatic society. "You don't know how hurtful it is."
"What else can I do?" Steve answered. "If I stay home people will think that I'm hitting you."
--------------
'For twenty five year my wife and I had been very happy,' said the man. 'Then we met.'
--------------
Why don't you bring be flowers and chocolates any more?" complained Helen to her husband. "While we were courting you used to bring me presents all the time."
Her husband looked sagely from his side of the newspaper. "It makes no sense for a man to waste worms on a fish he's already caught. Now does it."
--------------
Sick of her husband's constant drinking a woman decides to teach him a lesson. One evening she dresses in a Satan suit complete with horns and glowing red eyes, and when her husband returned home from yet another night at the pub, she jumped out on him from behind the hedge. 'You don't scare me," slurs her husband. "I married your sister."
--------------
Barry! Barry! Wake up!" moaned Fatima nudging him with the point of her elbow. "You're talking in your sleep again."
Barry reluctantly opened his eyes and peered at his wife. "What's the matter? Can't you sleep."
"Not with you talking in my ear. Can't you keep your tongue still while I'm trying to sleep." she spat.
"All right then," he said. "If you let me get a word in edge ways when we're awake, I'll give my tongue a rest when I'm asleep."
--------------
A drunkard staggers to the cemetery, stops at a grave and and starts crying. "Why did you have to die?"The passing vicar come to him and asks. "Is that your wife's grave, my son?"
"No, " replies the man.
"Your parents, then?"
"No," replies the man again still in floods of tears.
"Is it someone you knew well?" asks the vicar.
"No," sobs the man. "It's my wife's first husband."
--------------
On his wife's birthday, Harry went into town and got a bottle of wine for his wife. It was the best deal he'd ever made.
--------------
'Grant me one wish,' says the man on his death bed to his wife. 'Six months after I am dead I want you to marry Joe.'
'But I thought you hated, Joe,' says he wife.
'I do,' says the husband.
--------------
A groom and his best man were standing at the top of the aisle as the bride was making her way toward them on her fathers' arm, when the groom turned and looked around at the congregation.
"Do you realize," he began, "that I've had every woman in this church, except my fiancées younger sister and her grandmother. And that's including her half sister and her mother-in-law."
"Well, in that case," replied the best man. "Between us, we've had them all."
--------------
If a man opens the car door for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car or the wife is new.
-------------
A woman was boasting in the hair dressers , "It was me who made my husband a
millionaire," she said
"What was he before you married him," asked the hair dresser.
" A multi-millionaire," the woman replied.
--------------
"Why do you and your wife fight all the time?"
"I don't know. She never tells me."
--------------
I've often thought of drowning my troubles, but I can' get my wife to go swimming.WOMEN ONLY
Helen, a well known man hater was explaining to her fiend why she had remained a spinster all her life:
"I own a dog that growls all the time, a car that drinks, a fireplace that smokes, a parrot that swears and a tom cat that stays out all night and does heaven knows what. Why do I need a husband?"
--------------
"Darling, drink makes you look so sexy," exclaimed the wife.
"But I haven't been drinking," said the husband.
"No, but I have," replied the wife.
--------------
Married men's fantasies when making love, is that their wives aren't fantasizing.
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other replied, "Yes I am, and I married the wrong man too."
--------------
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the wife replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
--------------
Don't forget the jumble sale. It's a good place to get rid of some of those things that clutter your houses. Bring your husbands.
--------------
A woman placed an ad. in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". The next
day she received a hundred letters all saying the same thing:
"You can have mine."
-------------
"I divorced my husband on health grounds," said the woman.
"Really. What was wrong?"
"I was sick of him."
--------------
If you want to drive your husband crazy, don't talk in your sleep, just smile.
--------------
Ladies, if you want to finish a man off, marry him.MARRIAGE
A woman was so desperate for a husband that she advertised in the national paper. "Desperate, fairly good looking woman seeks husband, all reasonable offers seriously considered. Please reply as soon as possible."
A week later she received 1000 replies from other women all saying the same thing;
"You can have mine."
--------------
A woman was talking to her friend the night before her third wedding.
"Do you know that I'm still a virgin," she said.
"But how can that be?" gasped her friend.
"Well," the woman began. "My first husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. My second was a gynecologist and all he did was look into it. But this time it will be different."
"How?"
"This one's a lawyer. And lawyers always end up screwing you."
--------------
Wife- I need a new dress
Husband- What wrong with the one you've got on?Wife- Well, it's too long and veil keeps getting into my eyes.
--------------
After a long athletic honeymoon night with his virgin bride, the groom wakes up to find his new wife in floods of tears.
"Sweetheart, what's the matter? Was last night too much for you?"
"No-o-o," his wife sobbed on, pointing. "Just look at it. It's broken and all used up."
--------------
If it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking that they had no faults at all.HONEYMOONS
A newly married couple are on honeymoon in Jamaica. The woman is lying on the bed while her husband stands by the window, naked."Get away from the window," hisses the wife suddenly."Why?" asks her husband."Because people will think I only married you for your money," she replies.
--------------
A newly married couple arrived at their suit in a posh hotel for their wedding night. The groom took off his trousers and handed them to his surprised wife.
"Put them on," he said.
"But they won't fit!" said his wife.
"Just remember that," said her husband. "I'm the one who wears the trousers in this marriage."
"Is that a fact?" said the bride, sliding sexily out of her silk knickers and handing them to him. "Put those on."
"I can't get into those things," said her husband, bemused.
"Exactly," said the wife, " And you never will if you start that rubbish."
--------------
A French mother went to see her daughter the morning after her wedding night.
"Did you do as I told you?" asked the mother.
"Yes," replied the daughter. "I fed him a dozen oysters one hour before he took me to bed."
"And how was it?" asked the mother.
"Fine," replied the daughter. "But two of them must have been dud. Only ten worked."
--------------
The day after she returned from her honeymoon in Barbados, a beautiful young woman staggered into the local hairdressers looking knackered, bleary eyed and pale, as though she hadn't had any sleep for a fortnight.
"Goodness," exclaimed the stylist. "You look worn out. I saw your husband. The poor old guy must be at least 80."
"He's 81," said the bride. "But I discovered on the second night that the bugger lied to me. When he said he'd saved up for fifty years, I thought he was talking about money."
--------------
The bride and groom arrived at their first night hotel and while the groom went into the bar for a glass of Dutch courage, the bride disappeared up to their room to get herself ready for her new husband.
When the groom finally arrived upstairs, he found his wife waiting on the bed stark naked, except for a pair of handcuffs with which she had deftly shackled her hands together. He also noticed that the room was piled high with soft toys of all description.
He was about to ask about the toys, when the bride's words forestalled him.
"Take me, Big Boy. Take me now. I can't wait any longer."
Stripping off his cloths in a hurry the groom complied with his wife's request, until he was ringing wet, exhausted and half passed out on the bed.
"Phew," he gasped. "I'm shattered. How was it for you?"
"Not bad," replied the bride, looking across at the piles of stuffed toys. "You can pick anything from the bottom row."
--------------
On their wedding night, a groom gets into bed and says to his new wife,
"Woman of mine, I'm going to make love to you so hard and so fast, that you'll not be able to walk for a month.
When it was all over the wife turned to her panting husband and tapped him slowly and lightly with a feather.
"What was that for?" he asked.
"Well, if you compare it to your idea of a savage screwing, then I suppose I'm beating you to death."
--------------
A rather well endowed man was about to make love to his new, virgin wife on their wedding night. Suddenly the wife stopped him, as he was about to begin.
"Please be gentle with me," she said. "I have a weak heart."
"Don't worry," replied her husband, grabbing her by the hips. "I'll stop pushing when I reach your heart."
--------------QUIPS
A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the wife gives and the husband takes.A perfect husband is one who doesn't need help with the dishes.
A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.
The men who make the best husbands are probably already married.
A woman marries a man expecting he'd change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
If after muttering something in a church you find yourself married then mutter something in your sleep and get divorced.
A woman rushes into her house yelling, 'John, pack your things. I just won the lottery.'
'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?' John asks.
'I don't care,' says the woman. 'As long as you're out of the house by 10."
"I never knew what happiness was until I got married," said the sad man. "Then it was too late!"
"Husbands are like fires. They go out when unattended."
"I was married by a judge" remarked the man. "I should have asked for a jury."
Going to a party with your wife, is like going fishing with the game warden.
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A woman wears white on her wedding day because white is a happy colour and her wedding is the happiest day of her life. A man wears black on his wedding day because blacks is........
Every man should marry Miss Right. But he must make sure that her first name is not 'Always.'
I haven't spoken to my wife for two years- I don't like to interrupt her.
Top Of Page
